Category Archives: Stupidity

Happy New Year! (two days early for you regular folks)

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With the Christmas season past, and New Year’s looming, it’s time to set (unrealistic) resolutions (that are predestined to fail)!  My resolutions this year are as follows (in no particular order):

  • be 5 inches taller by this time next year
  • write a bestselling book about how I became a world famous cribbage star in just six months by winning the 24th Annual CribCage (of Death) Match in Venezuela.
  • turn 28 on my birthday this year
  • have the best lawn on my street
  • transcend time and space and become omnipotent

It’s the same list as last year, except for the birthday part.  I actually did turn 29 last year, give or take a couple thousand days.

That list isn’t getting any shorter (although if I manage the last one, I can stop time and that makes the other ones a LOT easier to get done.  A nice lawn takes a while to get just right.), so I had better get on it early.

Anyway, if I get nothing else done on my list, I’m sure that I can at least accomplish what this lazy guy can do.  I mean come on!  He still has to hang onto the bar to do his gravity defying thing, pfft.  What a lard arse.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCpK7GZR700&feature=youtube_gdata

Seriously though, that’s some amazing fitness right there.  I saw this video on Steve Edward’s blog (one of the P90X creators) and while I will never be able to do any of this stuff without being able to stop time to let me workout 6 extra hours each day, maybe I will be able to at least find my abs again at some point this year.

Any other resolutions I should add to my list?

God Bless The Markered Morons

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There isn’t a human alive that won’t feel better about themselves after hearing the tale of these two knuckleheads.

Let’s go rob a house!

Cool!  But we don’t have masks…

No worries, we will disguise ourselves with this Sharpie marker.

Awesome!  I want to be Catwoman!

What? Um, ok.  I think I will just colour my whole face in, except my nose, cause that would look sooo stupid if I coloured my nose…

Yeah!

marker morons

The best part of their disguise isn’t that it does nothing to conceal their identities of course, but rather the fact that they didn’t can’t take it off afterwards (assuming it occurred to them that they should take it off), and hilarity ensued.  I bet the cop who stopped them had to call for backup, he probably couldn’t see from the tears of laughter.

So, thank you, young morons.  My step is a little more sprightly, my back is straighter, and my outlook is refreshed.  No matter what I do today, I’m pretty fairly extremely confident that it will turn out better than this.

Thanks to Boing Boing and Neatorama for bringing this to my attention, and I stole the Catwoman joke, too.  I don’t even feel bad about it, because of the lift these two retards brought to my day.

CNN has the original story.

Mostly Just Dust to Dust: A Pillow Eulogy

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In Memoriam:  Dusty and M. Physematwo-old-pillows

Recently and suddenly, my two pillows (Dusty and M. Physema) were relegated to the pillow graveyard, the stuffed animal filler pile.  We were longtime friends, I honestly couldn’t recall a time when I didn’t have them with me.  They were perfectly shaped into flattened, shapeless rectangles that supported my neck and head just so when stacked together.  They were a sleepytime dream team, I fear I shall never find their equal amongst the roster of bland, slippery, new hypo-allergenic pillows on our bed. Indeed, the cruel joke of it all is a nightly wake held in honour of my missing pillows.

Nikki gently convinced me it was time to let them go to a better place; as stuffing for Cael’s Superman pillow buddy.  Tearfully I let them go, but to be honest I did everything with them tearfully since they had become so old that the atmosphere that surrounded them was constantly swirling with wonderful motes of mould and dust, irritating the eyes and lungs equally.  Every morning I would wake, my sinuses packed full and wheezing mightily, my head dizzy from lack of oxygen as my spongy airways constrict with mouldy love for my pillow friends.

Indeed, in the morning when a ray of sunshine found them, it was like sleeping inside a beautiful snowglobe, my explosive sneezes stirring the molecules of irritants wonderfully, given a wondrous glow as I squinted through rheumy eyes.  As I now struggle to cope with their loss, and to become adjusted to their annoyingly puffy and light replacements, I can’t help but remember the good times we had over the years; the asthma attacks of ’96, ’96, ’97, ’99 (four times, sniff), and the oxygen tent in ’03.  Truly we had fun.

Good times. Guys?  Thanks for the phlegmories.

Bell Network Charges are Way too High

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Permit me to rant for just a moment, if you will.

Got the girls’ cell phone bill last week, opened it and was unpleasantly surprised to see it was about double what it normally is.  Further analysis revealed that the extra charges were from mobile browsing, almost $50 for each phone.  Wow, that’s a lot of mobile browsing, you might say.  You would be wrong.  The amount of data for each phone was less than a megabyte, in fact.  Let’s put that into perspective here: that much data would fit onto a floppy disk, if you remember what those are.    The rate for this charge was there in black and white:  $51.20/MB

I can’t be the only one thinking that’s a little excessive, when (as I found out) you can get an all-you-can browse plan for $3/month?  Even at 3G speeds (and these phones aren’t 3G), my iPhone plan with Rogers is $30 for 6GB/month.  That’s a half a cent/MB folks, or approximately 5000 times cheaper.  I understand they want to drive people to use their data plans, and pay for capacity they aren’t using, but this smacks of robbery to me.

Needless to say I called to complain about the charges and to Bell’s credit they reversed the charges for me, but only because I don’t complain often.

What gives?

CrappyTaxidermy.com is the best site on the Internet

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This blog post is brought to you by the letter AAAAAGGHHH!

and the number OOOOOOOOOO!!

The thing is, not only does this website celebrate truly horrendous taxidermic crimes against nature’s beauty, there are other inexplicable horrors that never, ever appeared in nature.  For instance, try forgetting you saw this little gem.

I have awakened screaming every night since I saw this one, and I predict you will too.  I’m just hoping it’s a photoshop job, since seeing this “in the flesh” would end me.

There are many many others, I suggest you go and take a stroll yourself.

Saw it on Boing Boing.

Step Away from the Yoga Mat, carefully

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terrifying yoga shorts.jpg

Dear Sir,

Your shorts are way way too fricking short.  Those things are one downward dog away from a felony, and we all think you need to go and spend another $5 at Walmart.  (That’s not even snark, read the article for yourself).  Actually, I will send you $5 myself, and sleep the rest of the just for making the world a better place.  If you prefer, I will ship you (priority post) some new shorts straight from the Montreal Wal-Mart that you so prize, but ones that actually cover your pelvic bone, as shorts were meant to do.  The mere thought of these shorts performing any number of yoga poses is terrifying, to say the least.  Some especially scary ones (the world might actually end if you do the last one):

boatposedanceposemonkeyposestandingsplitpose

Yes, there are lots of fashion transgressions at the gym, that’s just the way things go, but sir, two wrongs don’t make a right, and you have two wrongs dangerously close to swinging free there and that just won’t do.  Yoga is meant to be relaxing and calming, and I’m taking a wild leap here when I say that I imagine your students are more than a little on edge wondering when something in there might make a salutation of it’s own.  Please do everyone a favour and buy yourself some shorts.  In a pinch, I think we all would settle for really long socks that you could fasten to the bottom of your existing shorts with duct tape.  It might be rather fetching, accenting those shiny metallic monstrosities.

Thank you,

Everyone else on Earth.

I wish I was making this up, but it seems to be far too real.