Mr. Bud Light Head Stages Daring Daylight Robbery

A new menace has arisen, only God knows where he will strike next (but probably at the next IHOP).  A terrifying bandit wearing an empty Bud Light case on his head robbed a convenience store in the early hours on Monday morning.  The sheer diabolical competence of the supervillain was such that he was able to rob the store and get away with 9 whole packages of cigarettes.  Yes packages, not cartons.  The estimated haul is difficult to conceive but it probably adds up to almost, ALMOST 50 bucks.  Incredible.

Police advise the public to be on the lookout for a man with a large, square, box shaped head with cigarette smoke billowing out from underneath.  Suspect is considered to be slow, dimwitted, and probably has a pronounced cough. It’s considered very likely that he will don a Three Wolf Moon shirt to become well nigh invincible soon.

Terrifying times.  Hug your children tonight.

Insert Electrical Pun Here

Given that I need a bit of a jump start today, I thought these links were appropriate…

First we have a story about our next babysitter.

A prison official was giving a tour to some of his colleagues children at a jail in Florida when he decided to show them what a stun gun feels like.  One that is strong enough to be issued to prison officers, 50 000 volts.  Sigh.  Worse yet, it seems the parents gave their permission in the first place.  What the hell is in the water down there?

Of course he was fired, and then had the nards to be surprised about it.  Actually on second thought, let’s hope he doesn’t have those so we don’t have to worry about accidental reproduction.

Moving on to something a little less electrifying, I saw this on ZeFrank.com the other day and enjoyed it.  A little on the long side, but when you remember that it’s 4 nerds giving themselves electric shocks to their faces on purpose, it becomes funny again.

Enjoy.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLAma-lrJRM

Smoke your way through the recession

Yes, I’m just reposting Boing Boing content, but this is so ridiculous I just had to…

Government employees have been ordered to smoke 230 000 packs of locally produced cigarettes in order to boost the economy through taxation.

Um, what?  We want you people to smoke these cigarettes, NOW!   Get started, your lungs won’t blacken themselves.  The article mentions that about 1 million people die each year from smoking related illnesses in China, placing this effort squarely in the “short term solution” category.  Not sure if they have done any rudimentary math on the inevitable increased health care costs of this strategy, but it seems like a net loss kind of a thing to me.  They have actually imposed a smoking quota to make sure people smoke enough of these things.

Absolutely bat-shit insane.

Swedish Rock Robot of DOOOM

A robot technician with apparently a rather rock-shaped head was almost the most recent casualty in the (slow to start but terrifying in it’s inevitability) human-robot war.  It seems that a Swedish factory was using robots to move head-shaped rocks to and fro for some strange reason unclear in the article.  A tech thought he had turned the power off to the robot to service it, but in a moment worthy of the climax of a movie, the robot moved (DUNH DUNH DUNH DUUUUNH! – that’s how you type dramatic scary music sounds) and grabbed Rocky the Technician’s head, apparently thinking that it was a rock, and wouldn’t let go.  Since he didn’t have a gun, grenade, or any other weapon of glamorized movie violence he just managed to escape from the homicidal robot with his life, if not his ribs (why did he break his ribs if the robot had him by the head?), intact.  Whoa, Dude.  It seems that the thing to do when you are hurt at work when you aren’t following any kind of common sense or safety procedures is to sue your employer, and that’s just what Rocky’s doing.

If there was any movie justice in the real world, a much more satisfying conclusion would be for Rocky and the Robot to go a few rounds and settle the matter once and for all, ending only with the utter destruction of one or the other.  That would be awesome. Instead, we all know that the robot was returned to service and life at the plant went back to normal, humans and Robot working side by side.  Or is Robot just patiently biding it’s time, waiting with inhuman patience for the next victim with rocks in his head to get a little too close…. DUNH DUNH DUNH DUUUUNH!

P.S. No robots were harmed during the writing of this post.

P.P.S.  By the way, Swedish Rock Robot of DOOOM is the very best band name I have come up with since Rubber Truck Nut Lover.

Delicious Silica Gel, not just for breakfast anymore

silicagelGiven that I am a geek, the procurement of geekly devices is the very reason I go to work. Oh, and to provide food and shelter for my family, that too. Anyway, I can happily say that I have been lucky enough to open lots of geek stuff over the years and I have to share something that I have been thinking about for a while now.

The makers of geekly devices ALWAYS pack said devices with at least one or two of these packets of silica gel, somewhere in the box. Silica gel absorbs water. The idea, as I understand it, is to absorb any transient moisture in the box that might damage the precious innards of the object of geekly desire. Anyway, whatever the reason for the gel, the manufacturer prints “do not eat” on each and every packet of this stuff, as if we are simple sheep eating our way into the box, grazing first upon the styrofoam (cut to cradle whatever device is in there), then the plastic bag (inevitably taped and twisted so as to make removal basically impossible), moving on to… what’s this? A small packet of crumbly goodness. You would have to be a complete moron to eat this stuff, even if it does resemble a sugar packet. But wait….

I have opened literally hundreds of boxes of gadgets over the years, each time NOT eating that silical gel, each time noting that the packet says “do not eat”. It’s almost tempting me. Maybe I’m a chump for throwing away thousands of packets of fine tasty silica gel. I wonder what it tastes like? It must be damn tasty to have to remind us each time to NOT eat it, like telling a houseful of kids “Don’t eat these wonderful warm cookies fresh from the oven that I am going to leave on the counter.”

Oh silica gel, why dost thou tempt me so? Sure, you are dusted with a toxic, carcinogenic powder, but so are Sour Patch Kids, and we eat those by the millions. Yes, you are a desiccant, but again, so are Sour Patch Kids….

Sigh.

Wrong Number

I had an interesting wrong number call at work today.  It went something like this:

“Hello?”

“Yes, this is Senator Smurgelsnort’s office calling for Senator Grafelburt?”

“Oh wow do you have the wrong number..”

“Oops, I must have dialed wrong, I was looking for number so and so..”

…etc.

I honestly can’t recall the Sentator’s names, but would have changed them anyway to protect the innoce-oh who am I kidding, those guys probably aren’t innocent in any way.  I would still have changed their names if only to protect the staffer who made the call, and then accidentally told me the number she was trying to call.  Maybe these numbers are in the public record anyway, I didn’t check.

Still it seems that if I had the presence of mind at the time I could have had a bit more fun with this call…

“Yes, this is Senator Smurgelsnort’s office calling for Senator Grafelburt?”

“Leave the money at the base of the statue and walk away.  If you bring anyone with you, the groundhog gets it.”

or

“Yes, this is Senator Smurgelsnort’s office calling for Senator Grafelburt?”

“Uh yes, he is quite, ah, interested in the return of his underthings, would now be a good time to come over and retrieve them?

or

“Yes, this is Senator Smurgelsnort’s office calling for Senator Grafelburt?”

“He’s having his genitals waxed at the moment, can I take a mesage?”

Any other suggestions for the next time they call?