Category Archives: Stupidity

Middle Ages

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As I creep ever closer, or glide right past whatever middle age is (always a rather presumptuous term, really) I find that my preconceived notions are wrong.

Allow me to explain: for whatever reason when I was a kid, probably based on observations somewhere, I assumed that when I hit a certain age I would somehow instantly start listening to classic rock (or much more unlikely, country music) forever. I mean that my taste in music would just get switched over to classic rock permanently, and without my input. This has not happened yet. I mean, I enjoy that stuff just fine, sure. (although I do have a problem with noticeably racist asshole or otherwise socially problematic artists that younger me was either ignorant of or oblivious to. Think Ted Nugent, etc.)

So really, that’s a positive thing. There’s just so much good music out there, I always wondered why people didn’t listen to a broad range of stuff. Life is just too short to stop growing and discovering there. Overall this preconception is one that I am happy is wrong.

I also assumed I would start wearing my shirts wide open to show off my copious chest hair, framing several gold chains. In hindsight it’s entirely possible that many of these notions were formed while watching Three’s Company as a child. This one I have also not started to do. Mostly due to my lack of chest hair.

However, there is one that I just didn’t see coming. I mean this honestly, I absolutely had no idea this was in me. It’s like I grew another head slowly over time and noticed it in the mirror one day. It’s not something that younger me would be necessarily embarrassed about, but I sure wouldn’t be proud. So, I will share it with you here since I am trying to write authentic and real words here as part of my new resolution (of sorts).

Realize this is very personal, and difficult to talk about.
It’s my biological imperative to find the groan-iest of “Dad puns” absolutely hysterical. I mean, really funny. I think that stuff is amazing. It’s my jam.

I have been wheezing, crying, trying to read something that is by many standards just so so bad. I realize this, by the way. I know deep inside that this stuff is comedy junk food. It’s hacky, tired, refried jokes that have been around in many forms for decades in some cases. But try as I might to reason with me, it’s just too compelling. I LOVE THIS CRAP.

Anyway, that was cathartic. Now that it’s out there, I can promote my newest favourite Twitter account: @DadsPuns

It’s basically catnip specifically designed for me. I love this guy/gal whatever. Amazing stuff, makes me laugh every damn day. Give them a follow.

And for fellow middle aged pun appreciators, you are not alone.

Marketing for Masochists

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I won’t tell you where I had the pleasure of trying this piece of medical equipment out, but let’s just examine the dubious marketing at play here for a moment.  From the (twisted) mind of Dr. Ho, A Pain Relief Expert comes the catchy name:  Circulation Promoter.  That’s it.  It sounds almost helpful, but that name is deadly boring and I propose, downright deceptive.  My circulation may not require promoting, I actually don’t know for sure.  But after trying this device out, I definitely question Dr. Ho’s title of “Pain relief expert”.  I therefore have a better name in mind, keep reading.

Dr. HOOO's contraption

Before we rename it, I thought I would explore the product’s features and functions.  I can tell you from personal experience that this evil little device relieves way more symptoms than just those listed here.  For starters I quickly found that it relieved me of “taking for granted I have full muscle control of my lower extremities”, and also relief from “forgetting that we are mostly made of water and electricity does frigging weird and painful things to us”.

Overall, a better name for this product would have been “Sparky Sweatstain’s Downed Power Line Simulator”.  It more accurately describes the product’s use and the experience you have while using it.  For instance; I have never seen my feet and toes do THAT before.  It’s like watching a horror movie starring ten little contortionists.  They all went to market, and they came back changed forever.

I fully expect a call from Dr. Ho’s people to discuss acquiring my copyright, and payment thereof.

Words I wish I would finally stop typing

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As an IT person, I type things a lot.  I type the same things a lot, even.  However, despite LITERALLY years of experience and practice typing some of the same damn things my fingers stubbornly refuse to learn some of them.  I mean, it’s pretty bad sometimes.

Here are some of my favourites.

ip[config
ipconig
etc

Ah yes, any nerd worth his salt knows this beauty.  And no, that damn bracket doesn’t belong there.  But, despite probably 20 years of practice, that’s what I type every damn time, or some jumble of things that look close, but not quite right.

Microsoft Excahnge

So, I work for Microsoft now, but even before that I essentially lived and breathed Microsoft Exchange (an email server product) for YEARS.  Needless to say, I have probably typed that word a million times in my lifetime.  Have I even come close to achieving proficiency?  Nope.

And finally, the shortest most frustrating word that for whatever reason just won’t come out right the first time:

pign

Yeah, that’s supposed to be ping.  Four letters.  Wrong like 75% of the time.  How is that even possible?

And all of this gets so much worse when someone is watching me type, it’s like my fingers are giving a 4th grade speech in front of the school.

Thanks for reading, I feel much better now, exorcising those denoms.

Cafeteria Food – The Bellwether for Modern Business Management Practices?

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I am lucky enough to have a job that suits me perfectly.  I seem to have enough attention deficit that staying in one place for too long drives me up a wall.  So, I am very happy hopping from client to client, meeting the new folks, seeing the new things.  One thing I get to see a lot of is company cafeterias.  The cafeteria of a company is an infallible barometer for how fun it is to work there.  I have seen many now and I know this to be true.  A modern room, with lots of choices of things to eat, lots of sunlight, that kind of thing is usually a very strong indicator that the company at least has read SOME kind of management book written in the last 20 years about trying to keep your worker bees happy.

However, I have now seen the winner of all time.  Walk with me….

The room looks like a scene out of Orange is the New Black, but with slightly fewer coveralls. Think 1970s medical institution and you probably have it. Lots of green and terrazzo. Anyway, go and grab a tray from the stack, it doesn’t matter, they have all warped uniformly – convex slippery plastic in a dome that only serves to make carrying plates a terrifying sliding game. The first cabinet has desserts. There are two kinds. It doesn’t matter what they are, you just take one. Then to the entrees. Two choices on any given day, go ahead and pick one. Either one will render you into a carb coma within minutes, it doesn’t matter. Then soup. Two choices. TAKE ONE. At this point you begin to realize that at the Hotel Cafeteria (where you can’t take out, and no, you never leave) there’s only one meal on the menu every day. Sure, there are variations, but basically you have the same thing as everyone else does. Dessert, entrée, soup and a drink. $9.15.  This maybe doesn’t seem too bad, unless you start to realize it’s a metaphor for working here, where the choices don’t matter and it all costs the same in the end.  Chilling, isn’t it?  Ok, I kid.

I have only eaten there once, and heaven help me I will never return if I can help it. Hunger is preferable to that joyless chewing exercise. I have rarely seen a sadder example of “lack of effort” on the part of a company. I mean maybe there was something healthy there, but I didn’t even see a piece of fruit.

This all reminds of another famous cafeteria, hm….
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw

 

Note that any views expressed here are my own stupidity, and are for my own amusement.  Don’t take anything too seriously here folks.

Air Duct Telemarketing Defiance

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We have had a long and interesting history with telemarketers at our house.  As did every household in Canada, we signed up for the “Do Not Call” list, which like every household in Canada knows, does absolutely nothing.  Most notably we seem to be on the list for duct cleaning.  This particular problem is not limited to just us, it seems.

Since the government doesn’t seem to have much power to stop them, and they won’t stop calling just because we tell them to (and believe me, we have been yelling at these guys for years now), my fantastic and gorgeous wife Nikki decided that the best way to handle these guys was simple:  book an appointment every time they call.  They call at least once a week, often once a day.  So we try to book an appointment every time.  Sometimes it doesn’t work, since it seems that the call center guys don’t have very good computer systems.  But sometimes it does, like tomorrow when if all goes well we will get a crew showing up to clean the ducts.  The thing is, we won’t let them clean the ducts.  The idea here is to increase the friction that the actual duct guys get from using these call centers.  It wastes their time, which hopefully translates back into a nuisance to the local company.  Ultimately we hope that one fine day we will finally get removed from their list (btw they have admitted on the phone to us that we are on the Do Not Call list, and they can see that, but that means nothing to these guys).

It’s a very small act of defiance, but it makes us feel so much better.  I highly suggest that more folks do the same.

 

Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda, oh nevermind

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As I have mentioned here many times before,  summer camp is something that our kids have been doing for several years now.  To say they love it is a complete understatement, it’s so important to them now they look forward to it all year.

I saw this article indicating that apparently the usual summer camp activities were just too risky for a school board in Toronto and they ended up cancelling a year end trip on a class of grade 8 students. It’s easy for me to say that they are being silly since I’m only responsible for my own kids, but I do have to say that this does kind of seem on the nutso side.  I mean when you see stuff like this:

He described Camp Walden as an exclusive facility that reduces its rates for the school to make the trip possible, at a cost of $150 per student.

Chiro said he was making final preparations for the June 10 trip when the school board’s superintendent asked for proof that safety requirements about activities such as swimming and archery had been met.

This kind of thing just says to me that these kids were probably the victim of one or two squeaky wheel parents that complained about safety in the dangerous wilds of “an exclusive” summer camp.  There might even be SPLINTERS on the docks, gasp.

I mean come on folks, ANYTHING can be dangerous if you let your imagination wander.  These kids live in Toronto after all, there’s just so much that could happen to them.  I mean, heaven forbid it, but they might accidentally meet their Mayor, what then?  I’m thinking that some Hunger Games-style archery skills might give them a fighting chance, right?