How to alienate your neighbours

I need to cut the grass.  Pretty badly.  It’s been like a month since I last did it, and the grass has now decided it can just relax because it’s probably never going to happen again.  It has adopted a laid-back posture that only adds to the shaggy appearance of my lawn.  Any mowing effort at this point will require an enormous effort on my part, akin to blazing a trail through the virgin rainforest with a machete, with only my wits, pith helmet and my trusty sidekick Perkins to assist me in mapping the Amazon, only just barely escaping from a misguided but particularly amorous gorilla.

But I digress.

I was talking about the lawn.  Which is rather overgrown.  But as bad as it is, my yard is not quite as bad as this gentleman’s. 

I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that he doesn’t get along with his neighbours much.  These trees are called leyland cypress trees and they are notoriously fast-growing (known to grow a meter per year), and they are the perfect tree to plant when you have decided that talking sociably to folks on your street is pretty much the last thing on your list of things to do.

In fact, this particular gentleman already lost a battle over a concrete wall he had put up for privacy in his backyard.  Wow.  This guy pretty much defines grumpy.  Or curmudgeon.  Or perhaps axe murderer, if Hollywood movies are right.

Right.  Perkins, my helmet!

Kiko, eater of toe, and hero. Not so Roscoe.

Dogs and toes have been discussed on the blog before of course.  There’s pages of dog blogs, and the toe stuff is also starting to rack up.  The subject of today’s post however has to do with both, which really has only happened once before that I can recall.  In that post we heard about a miniature daschund that chewed a woman’s toe off while she was sleeping.  The little rascal Roscoe managed this feat (ahem) because the woman had diabetes and couldn’t feel it due to nerve damage.  The story ends with the dastardly evil little creature being put down, for fear that his awakened taste for little piggies would result in a continued buffet every night.

How strange that today’s story is so completely different in tone and ending, and yet be so similar.  Here’s the gist for you:

A stubborn obstinate man refused to go and see the doctor about his infected toe for months, despite his wife’s suspicion that he had diabetes.  Said man drinks (exactly what is a bit fuzzy, man thinks it was four or five beers, wife’s quote says it was “all of these margaritas”, this reporter suspects it was both), and passes out.  Faithful family dog proceeds to eat man’s infected toe, man awakens screaming, my toe’s gone, my toe’s gone.

That dog is a goner, right?

Nope, he’s a hero, credited with saving the man’s life.

The strangest thing of all is the original story is actually referenced in this story, and said man (who is hilariously described in the article as “a well-known wheeler-dealer” in the area) was actually going to destroy his dog too, until someone pointed out that he would be a jackass to do so since the dog essentially saved his life.  The man remains a jackass, but at least the dog still lives.

The final quote of the story is the winner for me, as is the dog’s name.

And as for falling asleep, Douthett said he’s not taking any chances. “I don’t think Kiko would do it again,” he said, “but I wear shoes to bed now.”

The dog’s name is Kiko.  Which I cannot help but pronounce Kick-o.  Kick-o, eater of toe.

Human bed-warmer? I already have that job…

I’m having a hard time believing this one, but there’s been some coverage of this story today for some unknown reason.  Apparently the cold winter weather in the UK has prompted the Holiday Inn in London to offer “human bed warmers” as a service to clients.  Yes, for a fee you can pay for someone to get into your bed (before you are ready to turn in) dressed in “an all-in-one fleece sleeper suit”, AKA “Teletubby” to pre-warm your bed for you.  Apparently this individual will then leave the bed toasty warm for you to climb into.  Um, ick.

“The new Holiday Inn bed warmers service is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed,”

Yes, sure, if your hot water bottle at home is a barely employable guy named Ed.  Seriously, this can’t be for real, for several reasons.

1. That’s nasty and creepy, and for many of us the embodiment of a nightmare.

2. Isn’t that why they have maids?  To avoid that hotel “I’m climbing into this bed just after a stranger got out of it” sensation?

3. For an extra $20 you can have the “Dutch extra special” where Ed eats a can of beans just before climbing between the sheets…

4. So, juust before bed, you call down and have Ed come up, scuffling his oversized fleeced feet along the carpet.  With a nod, he passes you when you open the door and climbs right into bed, pulling the blankets up to his whiskery chin.  Uncertain of what to do, you continue with your evening, climbing onto the bed beside Ed and restarting the movie.  Ed says: “Oh, I love Planes, Trains and Automobiles!  This part is hilarious…  You gonna finish those Doritos?”

Perhaps there is another angle to this I am not getting.  Anyone?

Saw this on Neatorama first.

Extra bonus:  I have had this job for 10 years now, but I have a very small clientele, just one bed actually.  We have talked about it before

Extra extra bonus: …and now you know why no-one wants to wake up with Bed Ed.

It keeps the Dumb side Dumb, and the Crazy side Crazy

Batten down the hatches people, it’s getting weird out there.

It seems that some folks have forgotten their meds recently, and they all hang out at McDonald’s for some crazy reason. Or maybe it’s that there’s something in the food causing all of this?

First off, a scary looking lady from Ohio who, upon hearing that there weren’t going to be any McNuggets, proceeded to punch through the drive through window in a fit of nugget rage. Um, ya. This lady likes her nuggets.

And then we’re over to this lady, who got what she ordered, but then proceeds to trash the place because she was unhappy with her hamburger. She was offered a replacement burger, but wanted her money back.

Glad to see people are coping with their anger in healthy ways, while eating healthy things.  It’s a healthy cycle.

Later folks.

VallenQuiz #2

It’s been a week since the last quiz, which was far far too easy.  So, let’s take things up a notch here.

  1. What dog made a leap to grab a handful of five dollar bills, thinking it was another treat?
  2. What child once said: “Mom, is f$@k a bad word?”
  3. What child was once nicknamed “Gluestick”?
  4. What child once said (adorably): “I loo noo snow mush!” (I love you so much)
  5. And finally, what dog is inexplicably attracted to the pile of leaves I left on the front lawn, peeing and even pooping on them every chance he gets?

There, that should prove to be slightly more challenging.  If somebody gets the right answer I will reveal one of the first pictures of Quinn in his hockey gear on the ice.  Trust me, it’s adorable.

Right, let’s hear it folks.

*** Update:  Sorry for the delay folks.  As promised, here’s Quinn on the ice, looking like he means business… thanks to Mr. Ross for the pic.

quinn-hockey

A Big Shout Out To The Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday Court.

I just want to say thank you to you for being my best friend, my soul mate, and the only person in the world that I want/need to share absolutely everything with. You are an amazing person, and I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Happy 37th Birthday. May we savour every moment of growing young together!
Love you!