Category Archives: Apocalypse Soon

Shifty Gay Penguins

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Apparently gay penguins are way smarter than straight penguins, if this article is true.  Not only are gay penguins attempting to steal eggs from straight penguins, apparently they are able to do so by replacing the eggs with round rocks.  

Keepers have segregated the couple after they caught them trying to trick straight birds into parting with their offspring by placing round stones at their feet and then running off with an egg.

It has become such an issue that the gay penguins have been shipped off to a sort of gay alcatraz and segregated from the dim-witted straight penguins so that the breeders can have babies in whatever obtuse fog they live their lives in.  How on earth could they be fooled into thinking a rock is an egg?  How good are they at parenting, anyway?  Jeez.

“It’s not discrimination. We have to fence them separately, otherwise the whole group will be disturbed during hatching time,” they added.

Oh, I think that’s discrimination alright.  Anyway, what will the little penguins think when the gay ones are allowed back in after hatching season?  Who are these flamboyant, debonair penguins with the snappy feathers?  They don’t look at all like my dopey parents, nossir.

In all honesty, it makes you really cheer for the same sex penguin community, doesn’t it?  Some Christian fundamentalist will probably be having a bird about this story really soon now….. (groan)

I saw this on Neatorama first.

Crotch Robot lets you get your electronic freak on….

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….in the most boring way possible.  Another entry in the rush to create cybernetic old people who will kill us all, Honda revealed a freaky robot that you sit on, and it helps you walk and crouch, and eventually, chase after normal people with relentless metallic stomping sounds coming closer closer….

Actually it’s a lot less exciting and deathy than all that.  It seems that it’s really only good for making you look absolutely ridiculous, some sort of cybernetic taint surgically grafted to your nether regions, the result of a secret government project to rebuild that poor fella’s damaged groin.  Just have a look at the picture and tell me you don’t hear that tch-tch-tch-tch Steve Austin sound in your head as he is walking.  Methinks that the robo-chafing would soon render the wearer grumpy and eventually nardless.

 

So, if this is part of some grand plan to kill us all, it seems that it would be from oxygen deprivation as we watch the elderly army of the Robotaint-enhanced clomp towards us and fall over laughing.

Previous robotic ridiculousness.

Robo-Fido

A very similar (yet not as funny) homicidal device from the company destined to doom us all.

Financial Crisis

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Well, if you had any money before, you definitely don’t now.  If you didn’t have any money before, you haven’t lost anything yet, so you are probably generally happier than those who have lost lots.  So, having lots of money wouldn’t have been a winning strategy for being happy these past weeks.  So, if by next month we can safely call this winter a “global great depression” kind of winter then we can officially start living the boring story we will tell our grandkids in about 20 years.  Providing we don’t get killed in a gasoline riot, or die of starvation for some reason.  But that’s just part of the great story we will tell one day, and the more “boiled Tevas for dinner” and “burning old PCs for heat” spice you can add to the story, the less likely your grandkids will get bored and just start surfing the net with their wearable computers and contact lens displays (a la Rainbow’s End).

To that end, I found an excellent post on Neatorama that details past financial crashes (all American it seems) but it’s important to remember that crashes and economic crappiness is usually followed up with a period of wealth and prosperity.  

So, while we now live the story we will tell with stick-shaking, spittle-flecked intensity to our progeny in the future, we can at least be fairly certain that there will be a period of time we will conveniently forget to tell the grandkids, the part after the “Big Downer” when we started making manhole covers out of elephant ivory, and snorting sweet Arabian crude oil through hollowed-out narwhal tusks.  Oh wait, that was the 80’s.  Crap.

Better bury your nickels in the backyard, son.

(Editor’s note:  Had caffeine today, fortunately it doesn’t show in my writing.)

Short Story Terrorism

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At risk of revisiting a recent school safety topic, here’s one that doesn’t involve guns of any sort, but rather a much more dangerous weapon:  words.  A high school kid writes a story about zombies taking over a high school.  Sounds harmless (and it is), but apparently police didn’t think so.  They arrested him and are charging him with a “second-degree felony terrorist threatening charge”.  

Even better?  His grandparents narced on him when they found the story in his journal!

Now that’s a loving family.  Man, do I feel safe, getting that kid off the streets.  Just the thought of that freak, writing away in his journal, crafting short stories with his imagination instead of playing video games for hours or drinking beer like a good teenager should, it gives me the chills.  What other trouble would he have gotten into if his sweet little old Nana hadn’t dropped a dime on his skinny butt?  

The only thing I have to say is:  that must be one facking fantastic story to get him thrown into jail at the tender age of 18.  It must be absolutely bone-chillingly terrifying to warrant a terrorism charge.  It must really take horror to a new level to be detained like this, even the act of reading it makes your hair turn white and your skin take on a ghastly pallor.  The very existence of this story keeps the FBI up at night.  It must because the author is charged with terrorism, right?

This kid definitely has a future in writing.  Unless he ends up at Gitmo of course.

Ok, anybody with a bigger gun than mine, raise your hand? Both of them…

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Sometimes you can see the future, and you wonder why nobody else can.  Or maybe lots of other people can in fact see the future, but don’t say anything about it.  In this case, it’s kind of scary, but mostly dumb.

A certain Texan school district has “wisely” decided that they will start the new term allowing teachers to carry concealed firearms in the classroom.  The reasoning is that teachers are the best line of defence for students in case there are any gun attacks on campus.  The money quote here is this one from the disctrict superintendent:

“When the federal government started making schools gun-free zones, that’s when all of these shootings started…”

Um, ya.  If anybody here is in touch with reality, raise your hand?  More guns in the classroom is definitely the answer to this rash of shootings in schools.  In fact, it’s basically an arms race between the teachers and students, and by gum if the teachers don’t win it, what will you have?  Anarchy I say!  Just in time for the new school year: Staedtler Automatic Assault Rifles, now in three cool colours!  

What the living heck is going on in Texas?  I will make a small prediction here, if I may (and it’s my blog, so I may):  In the next 10 years, there will be a(n even more) complete dissolution of trust between teachers and the students, to the point where there will not be teachers actually in the classrooms with the students, but will instead be teaching via a monitor, screen, or maybe just behind a scratched, scarred bulletproof glass, dotted with spitballs.  Or maybe we will develop “teaching suits” for the teachers to wear, like armoured Robocops stomping around between the desks, gunfire ricocheting off their armored heads every time they turn their back.  “Timmy, I know the sound of a Glock when I hear it, I know that was you.  If you shoot me in the head one more time, I’m going to, um, ask you to stop shooting me again.”

Ok, look you can’t teach when kids bring guns to class, that’s for sure.  The problem isn’t going to be solved by the teachers packing heat, either.  You have to address this kind of rampant pro-gun mentality over time, public relations campaigns, laws, and for pete’s sake make it harder to buy a gun than just getting it tossed into your shopping bag as a bonus.  You have to find a way to remove guns from the everyday urban landscape before this issue will fix itself.

Am I crazy here?

Thanks to Wilson for setting me off on this one.

Robotic Suit to assist the elderly, overthrow humanity

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A Japanese company has announced a robotic suit that will assist elderly people who can’t walk easily by themselves.  The technology is very cool, it reads the brainwaves that are traveling to the legs and sort of amplifies them and assists motion with the robotic legs.  It’s amazing technology that will surely change millions of lives.

Hm.

Yes, millions of lives will be changed.  The only problem I have is the absolute nards it takes to call a computer that is supposed to assist people HAL.  Yes, you may recall the HAL that kills everybody in that little movie (not to mention another unfortunate coincidence) ?  Why on earth would a company name it’s product HAL?  Unless, they have something to hide?  Yes, methinks they do, because the company is called Cyberdyne.  Yes, that’s the same name as the company from Terminator, the one that invented the sentient computer system that rises up and kills all of the humans.  

W.  T.  F. ?

Does it need to be any clearer for you people?  Let’s recap:  Cyberdyne (evil company who will destroy us all) makes a set of robotic legs (and even admits a whole body suit is coming.  Oh, it’s coming all right.) that READS YOUR MIND and knows what you want to do, serendipitously called HAL (evil homicidal computer).  The product is targeted at old people (who hate the rest of us able bodied people for, well, being able bodied and who are easily suggestible) and they will lead the robotic uprising against us all.  It’s the perfect storm of technology, capitalism, arthritis, and extraordinary cockiness and karmic taunting.  We deserve what we get, unless we can somehow stop the slowly tottering army of old farts in their PJs waving sticks and dragging shawls behind them.