It seems that a study that made surgical teams at a hospital in London run through a verbal checklist before they start operating improved patient’s odds of surviving by a dramatic rate: 47%.  Now if that seems a little high, be aware that the rate of survival before the checklist was implemented was 98.5%, which then improved to 99.2% after the checklist procedure.  Those are pretty good odds of coming through, you could say.  This must be a magical checklist of staggering complexity, requiring arcane knowledge to grasp even a small portion of it’s vast text.

You would think that, wouldn’t you?  Nope, it seems that just asking questions like “Is this the right patient?”, “Am I sawing off the correct limb?”, and “What end of this thing do I use, anyway?” are the kinds of questions that are asked.  If it makes you feel better that they are taking the time to ask obvious questions to avoid stupid mistakes, then you are welcome.  If you are like me however, who prefer to envision my doctor a semi-human of godlike powers, glowing with contained knowledge and benevolence who could clearly never be fallible, then this news comes as rather a shock.

If a simple checklist cranks your odds up to 99.2%, then imagine the effect a truly complicated checklist, requiring hours of checks, a large datacenter and a team of certified general accountants would have?  Us regular shmoes would be immortal, that’s what.

Anyway, the checklist (as I have imagined it) is listed below:

• Who does this patient think they are?
• Are there any moles or marks on the patient’s body that we can make fun of?
• Anybody want to see a puppet show?
• Any nurses want to get “surgical” with me after work?
• Anybody have any good coke?
• Anybody else want their initials stitched into this guy’s abdomen?
• Let’s do that scene from Alien!

So there you go.