Strap on your tinfoil hats and fire up your conspiracy theories because it looks like the “obesity epidemic” is actually a government plot to save money on health care. A new study finds that contrary to what I, and lots of other people thought; a thin non-smoker actually costs the health care system more than an obese person, or a smoker. The main reason is the smokin’ fatties die sooner, of course. Clean living folks survive long enough to get really expensive diseases it seems, and it’s dragging down the health care system, dammit.

So comrade, it seems that the socially responsible thing to do would be to turn off that damn treadmill and grab yourself a hoagie. You are nothing less than an enemy of the state if you don’t. Give me a light while you’re at it. You are helping your country, if not yourself. Tomorrow there will be a rally of puffing plump patriots marching (well actually more like a slow saunter) on Parliament Hill holding signs that say something, if we could only read them through the drifting haze of aerosolized cheese and smoke. The signs are a little heavy, they must have used real cardboard since most of them can’t seem to hold them up for very long. They are chanting too, but it’s a little breathy and too low to make out what it is. It’s a powerful display of sloth and fury.

Join us! It’s for the greater good, after all.