Self, you are a heathen, by which I mean you are not a Catholic, nor are you a practising anything. That makes you a non-authority on matters of the Church. Be that as it may, you are also a father to your children who have been baptised Catholic. This does not cause you many problems, as your fine wife is well-schooled in churchly things. Or, it did not cause you any trouble until today.

Self, it would do you well in the future to try NOT to send Jordy with a big old ham sandwich on her lunch on Shrove Tuesday, with a Slim Jim chaser, and beef jerky for dessert. Why not just throw some devilled eggs on there, and have her in detention (or rather exorcism) right away?

Self, your only hope lies in the fact that Nikki is a patient patient woman, and will hopefully be able to do some quick talking and get you past the bouncer at the pearly gates.