Ah, spam.

I take the time to personally delete every piece of spam that I get here at Vallentyne.com. It’s one of the things I do to honour the senders of spam, in my own little way. The time invested (none at all) in each one of these little messages too often goes unrewarded. Mostly I end up with only an impression of the content based on the subject line. Usually it’s the standard stuff: porn of all kinds, relationship hookups (more porn), weight loss, body modifications of one kind or another, gas prices, mortgages and other financial scams, I’m sure you’re familiar with most of them.

Recently I noticed a small subset of spam coming in with a pretty funny twist; offers to become ordained ministers within 48 hours. Now there are a few questions that come to mind: What do they actually do that takes 48 hours for you to become an ordained minister? What kind of person would want to become a minister on a whim based on an email message? What happens after you pay (lose your money) and 48 hours passes? Do you get another email message that says, Whammo! you have been hit with the divine light, and guess what, you’re ready to go and spread the word. The text of the message is especially good:

As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!
Perform Weddings, Funerals, and Perform Baptisms Forgiveness of Sins and Visit Correctional Facilities

First off, what church exactly are we performing rituals and ceremonies for? And then the best, “Visit Correctional Facilities”. I’m sure I don’t want to know what kind of access any old minister can get to a correctional facility, and neither do you.

Still, that’s good stuff right there.